John C. here – for some reason I am compelled to share the following experience working Step 3. Instead of figuring out why I am just going with it…hope it helps someone.

When I was just shy of six months sober my sponsor gave me a Step 3 assignment. I didn’t want to do it…mainly because I’m the smartest guy in AA. I did it anyway and can tell you it’s legit, for this exercise helped me start to un-fuck my relationship with He Who Is Sometimes Named “Doorknob.”

The assignment was to answer the six questions embedded in the middle paragraph on page 61 of “Alcoholics Anonymous.” This paragraph describes how a self-will-fueled guy/gal feels when life isn’t going their way, even though they’re expending all this energy trying to control the uncontrollable. Mr. Sponsor-Pants said I should re-word these questions to make them about me instead of the “actor” in the paragraph. Below are the six questions and how I re-worded them in parenthesis – feel free to use these if you want to play along at home:

1. What is his (my) basic trouble?
2. Is he (Am I) not really a self-seeker, even when trying to be kind?
3. Is he (Am I) not a victim of the delusion that he (I) can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he (I) only manages (manage) well?
4. Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are things he wants (I want)?
5. And do not his (my) actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show?
6. Is he (Am I) not, even in his (my) best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?

Mr. Sponsor-Pants also said he usually asks guys to do this once and report back, but because I was such a shit-show (my words, not his) I should do it every day for a week.

Here’s what happened: by Day 3 I had had enough. I was pissed that I “had” to do this assignment, and scared because I didn’t feel any closer to any sort of Higher Power. I was feeling more distant from it, actually, because I was hyper-intellectualizing the shit out of my answers. My sad truth was this: I had no doubt there was some sort of Power Greater Than Myself, I had every doubt that It gave two shits about me, though. In spite of this growing distance I started up my third run through the questions.

Question 1 was more intellectualizing about an indifferent and unloving god…I can neither confirm nor deny that the word “Auschwitz” was in that answer. I was more lathered-up than normal, but then something funny happened…I started running out of brain gas. Question 2 wasn’t nearly as long, and by the time I finished Question 3 something finally clicked inside of me. I stopped writing, took a long drag off a cigarette and laughed out loud. What I next wrote was this:

“I just realized I’m arguing with myself late at night about how capable God is of managing an entire universe and it’s kind of funny. Maybe the point is just to stop playing God and trust that you Easy Does It motherfuckers are on to something. Maybe I need a new slogan: ‘Let Go and Let Not Me.’ It’s a start, right?“

Since that day my faith in Not Me has grown. It isn’t perfect, and more days than I care to admit I’m shot through with doubt. I know today, however, that I’m at least on the right path, even if I have no fucking clue where the path will go.